the talk about sex!

Many parents stress out about talking with their teenager about sex and sexuality. Many parents confuse sex and sexuality and put all things sexual in the same basket. These things are not the same. A good and healthy discussion about sex and sexuality is about tolerance, respect, self love and is as much about saying no to things as it is about saying yes.  Many more think it is the job of the school to give children and education about all things sexual and some parents think that children don’t need to know those things and if they do well they will come and ask you. I believe that the discussion is ongoing and that children learn so many of their attitudes, beliefs and values from those around them. With that in mind here are a couple of tips for talking sex with teens.

• Start early, speak often – We live in an age where sex and sexualised images are in abundance. Rather than just stating something like ‘music video clips are just soft porn and sexualise girls’ , you could open up a discussion about what you teen thinks about some of the video clips.
• Don’t expect the worst – many parents will expect that because many teens are having sex, that their child must be one of those. Half of all teens have not had sex by the time they turn 18. If parents expect that they are having sex before, they may be putting undue pressure on their child to be a sexual person. Just because your teen looks like an adult does not mean they are. They still need a safe place to be a child.
• Let them be the guide – Don’t discuss things that your teen is not ready to hear. They generally do not want to hear about your sex life – ever!! Many parents cross boundaries thinking it makes them the ‘cool parent’. It does not. It makes your teen feel embarrassed.
• Find out what they know. You will both feel embarrassed if you are trying to explain something to your teen that they already know. Too much or too little information is just as bad as no information.
• Discuss sexual tolerance and differences – there are many opportunities to talk with teens about diversity and tolerance of others. Teach teens that exclusion due to someones sexual preferences is a form of discrimination.
• Teach respectful rejection – Often parents and schools teach teens about contraception, disease and pregnancy but not about how to say no. Teach your teen that it is ok if propositioned to say ‘thank you and I am flattered, but I am not interested. Respect for themselves is the greatest gift you can give them.

There are many more tips. These are just a few. Please feel free to comment or contact me if you want to discuss any further.